Lessons learned or not

Girls girls girls!!!! (no this is not an x-rated blog!) I need help with a problem! Most of you already know the story, but seriously why do girls, particularly me, make the same dang mistake over and over again? Why do I put myself in a situation where I know the outcome will only end up hurting my heart?

Here is the deal: I recently met a “friend” for lunch, well really he invited me over to his office to hang out on Sunday. We have not seen each other in a while and thought this would be a good place since it is not very busy for him, and we thought we could go out to lunch. Well this friend is one with whom I have flirted and he has flirted back, there is definitely something there, but we have never tried to explore it. The reason why is he has a girlfriend. I know what you are all thinking “Rebecca/Beckie what the HELL are you doing?” the answer is, I don’t know!!! So stop judging and just read!

Anyway, he has a girlfriend and about a year ago we started hanging out as friends but when things started to escalate we stopped. We never “did” anything physical, but the feelings started to develop, which of course is just as bad thus the reason why we stopped seeing each other. (keep in mind none of which the times we saw each other were dates!) Well we would talk here and there via email or text but rarely saw each other. Recently we started emailing again and I told him I missed him, which was the truth I did miss my friend, and unfortunately my feelings for him had not subsided as I thought they had.

Emails went back and forth for a few days and I was very excited to see him, even it was just for lunch. So off I went to his office on Sunday, we hung out for a while and then went to lunch. Don’t worry, it was not a date, because I paid for myself and he paid for himself. When we were done we went back to his office and hung out some more. There are more details here which I may share with you, but you’ll have to ask cause I’m not about to out myself on the internet!

Bottom line is we decided that we should never see each other again. Which totally makes me sad! He is a great guy, and is such a wonderful person, I’m sad I won’t ever really be able to call him my friend again. I do though hope one day (after my feelings have faded to non-extinction) that I will be able to call him my friend again.

So there is the story but my real question is why do I do that? I’m not looking for judgment, so if you want to call and yell at me call someone else! I’m just trying figure out why I keep doing this? Is it because I knew he would not choose me, therefore I would not have to deal with a relationship? Was it because I don’t have the self esteem and confidence to pick someone who loves me for me? Was it because I’m crazy and just wanted for once in my life for someone to choose me? Who the heck knows?

Anyway this is the first real serious blog I have made, which is the real reason I wanted to start a blog. So please no judgment, just understanding.

Love you,

Beckie
xoxo